Death And Grief

Death is inevitable for all of us and yet it is rarely spokenabout. It seems to have become the White Elephant in the room.

A dear friend lost her mother recently and she was devastated. Inher sadness and pain she found that the only person she could talk openly withwas myself. Several of her friends couldn’t speak to her, they no longer calledand she felt she was isolated.

Maybe the death of her mother triggered their pain?

Maybe we will never know, though it’s not uncommon to hear thebereaved mention that people around them crossed the road when they approached,or hung down their heads.  

I wrote this booklet as a helping hand bringing some relief foryou and your loved ones.

Please note; the advice is the same for all who are suffering fromtrauma, shock, stress, etc.

“WhisperingBranches” came about as I believe that we are all mere Whispers in the Branchesof Trees and on the Wind. Some are bigger and perhaps stronger than others. Someof us are quieter than others. Some are older and wiser than others. Some neverget the chance to live a full life. Some are taken from us far too soon.

Some,like trees, leave us a legacy and precious memories, providing shade from thesun and a shelter in a rainstorm. They provide homes for a huge variety ofwildlife; from lichens, fungi, insects to the most beautiful butterflies.

Abranch could simply be a resting place for a single sparrow, or a vantage pointfor an eagle. The trees root systems are incredible and there’s much researchto show that they communicate with each other. Maybe we are all joined by TheGolden Thread? Even beyond death perhaps?

Treesprovide different woods and each has its own qualities. Some are more colourfulthan others; the giant redwood compared with the ash, the oak and the copperbeech.

Nonetheless, we all bring something tothe forest table.

Followingon from helping thousands as a dedicated professional holistic health andtrauma practitioner for over two decades, training as a funeral celebrantseemed so natural.

I amauthor of seven books helping and assisting people through life’s journey.

For mepersonally I feel that when we lose someone we have loved deeply, we are oftenat our most vulnerable point. Bringing a little peace to those who mourn andsome practical tips to assist you through this time is my intention. That iswhy I chose this profession.

Many say Ihave a calming presence. I intentionally bring peace to a room.

When Itrained as a celebrant these quotes touched my whole being:

“You may forget with whom you laughed but you will never forget withwhom you wept”.

“Thank youfor letting me talk

Andletting me cry.

Thank youfor cheerful hello’s

andtearful goodbye’s.

Thank youfor asking questions

And sayingher name.

Thank youfor not understanding

Butsharing my pain”.

Carrie O‘Leary

JacquelineM. Savageau

Thehealing began when a friend embraced me, leaving some of his tears on my cheek.

“TimeRemembered”

“Theclosest bonds we will ever know are bonds of grief. The deepest community oneof sorrow”.

CormacMcCarthy

JustTo Be Alive

“I likeliving.

I havesometimes been

Wildly,despairingly,

Acutelymiserable,

Rackedwith sorrow,

Butthrough it all I still know

Quitecertainly that just to be alive

Is a grandthing”.

AgathaChristie.

A PersonalNote

Since childhood I have accepted death and have never been afraidto discuss it. My cousin Andrew died many years ago and it shook me to my very core.My aunt and uncle were devastated as were most of the other family members. Hewas an exceptionally lovely, open-hearted and a very gifted young man. He was anexceptional guitar player and we all missed his musical talents, his sharpsense of humour, his smile and his unique presence.

When we love someone, the hole they leave can never be filledbecause they were treasured in thousands of unique ways. Their love for each ofus shines through every time we meet and its absence can be crushing. They mayhave been a beacon, a rock, a font of humour, a listening ear, a shoulder tocry on, an exceptionally good advisor and so much more.

Some people touch our lives in ways that we never fully appreciateuntil they are gone.  Appreciating thedepth of our loss leaves us feeling broken, confused and often lost.

The death of a loved one might even leave us feeling guilty for athousand and one reasons; maybe that we didn’t spend enough time with them, thatwe didn’t always listen, or perhaps simple relief if they were in pain, poorlyand demanding.

People touch our lives in different ways and they each leave aunique loss too. We have a right to mourn their loss and it is part of ourgrieving process to acknowledge how we feel. Grief has many stages and anger is simply one of them. Anger is a normaleveryday emotion, though the way we are taught to cope is frequently one ofrepression and suppression. This often leads to all sorts of symptoms; lack ofsleep, stress, digestive issues, fatigue, muscle pain, headaches and so muchmore.

I’m here to help you navigate through this journey. Hopefully youcan come out at the other end feeling stronger and although you will alwaysmiss loved ones, we can begin to live with at least some kind of ease. Knowingthat the way in which they touched our lives is our personal, unique memory.

Practical Tips and Self-Care.

Here are some practical tips to assistyou and your loved ones.

Shock, stress and trauma all affect the body. Leftunacknowledged long-term they can become ingrained in the muscle memory, hiddenwithin the fascia tissues.

These emotions affect us in many ways. Our immune systems,digestive systems and sleep patterns can be disrupted. Grief and loss can oftentake these to a whole new level.

Self-care is so important, especially at this time. It’s time tobe kind with yourself, as you would with others. Being vulnerable can be achallenge. We often put on a mask, a false, brave face for others. Yet, intruth the energy it takes to hide how we feel can become toxic. At this timeit’s crucial to be honest and sometimes raw with our emotions. It’s okay tocry, to feel whatever plethora of emotions you feel too. Giving ourselvespermission to feel is paramount.

Eating can be a challenge when we are upset. Please try to eatsmall regular meals. Snacks like flapjack or cereal/protein bars might help.Dale Pinnock has written some wonderful cookery books which might help too.

The self-care prompts I suggest are The "ShakyWakey". Shake off the arms, wrists, ankles, legs and your whole body ifyou are able. Repeat as often as you like. I often use it with children who arebullied, upset and stressed.

Take time to listen to the body and let it show youwhere you need to shake. By regularly shaking off these residual energies whichwe might find to be heavy and uncomfortable we can often feel better within afew short minutes. Simply be aware and acknowledge how you are feeling, youremotions and the tension in your body.

Drinking more healthy water encourages positivechange. We need at least two to three litres daily.  Enjoying and connecting to a special naturewalk, taking a boxing class, Pilates, yoga, T'ai Chi class or mindfulness,self-awareness, personal development or a meditation class can also help.

Healing has been used for centuries to alleviateshock, stress and tension in the body too. It balances and re-sets body, mindand soul. Massage and reflexology can often help. Indian Head massage istruly a wonderful experience. I know various practitioners in the area soplease ask if you need a recommendation or feel free to call in at LifestylesHealth Shop, 44, Wood St. St. Annes FY8 1QG.  

Epsom salts clear the energy when we feel stuck,stressed, upset, etc. So taking a bath in them; about 6-8 tablespoons willcleanse and re-balance us. Otherwise you could use a muslin cloth and wrap thesalts in there to wash your body.

Lack of sleep is very common at this time and canbe aided with a good quality supplement of magnesium, Himalayan Rock Saltslamps bring positive energy and are ideal in the bedroom. Stay hydrated, checkbedding, mattress and pillows for maximum comfort, doing more physical exerciseand making the bedroom a quiet space. It is advised that no electricalequipment be in the bedroom: especially televisions, mobile phones, laptops,especially in the evenings.

Look honestly at your habits before sleep.

Do you drink coffee, alcohol, energy drinks, caffeine,Coca-Cola before bed? These are all stimulants which will delay the essential relaxationneeded for sleep. There are many herbals bedtime teas available now withchamomile, passion flowers and lavender to assist. You might wish to chat toyour local health food staff. Feel free to phone Jason on 07783 313499

A nature walk in your favourite place often helps; as can plantinga tree, a rose bush, shrub etc. in someone’s memory. Many local parks nowencourage people to foster trees. I love seeing benches dedicated to those whomwe have lost.

It may also help to write a journal or make up a scrap bookdedicated to a loved one(s). If you sing maybe you could write a song? A poemor something else? Maybe listen to your heart and intuition.  

Listening to healing music such as ocean waves, the sound of windthrough the trees and whispering branches, water sounds, shamanic drumming,Enya, Deva Primal, Snatum Kaur and Bliss may help you to relax.  

Diffusers are wonderful too. They blend water vapour withessential oils to create a lovely fragrance and mood in the room. Calming oilsinclude sandalwood, neroli, lavender, chamomile, frankincense, vetiver, cedarwood,rose, rose geranium, Clary Sage, geranium, jasmine, myrrh. They can be used toaid sleep too. Please note never putessential oils directly on the skin. Always check their medicinal qualities if you have any medicalconditions.

Natural herbs such as ashwagandha, rhodiola, chamomile, fennel andmaca, milk thistle tincture, St Johns Wort and Kalms can help boost energy,relieve sadness, stress and induce calm.

As a qualified homeopath, I would recommend Bach Rescue Remedy,Jan De Vries Emergency Essence, Mood essence or Female/Male essences. They areavailable online, often in chemists or from a good health food shop.Homeopathic remedies include arnica, aconite, pulsatilla, nat mur and sandalwoodwhich I will happily provide, or are available from a reputable health foodshop.

Just maybe…Maybe, perhaps now is aperfect time to allow yourself to be vulnerable. Perhaps now is a time to cry,scream, punch a cushion, punch the air, or even a punch-bag. And maybe perhapstime to accept help which might be offered from others.

Maybe perhaps it’s a time to change our out-grown habits.Maybe time to put down the proverbial mask. No-one is indestructible. No-onecan be strong all the time.

Maybeperhaps now, when someone offers help it may bechallenging to accept, but refusing help can upset someone too. It can be achallenge to learn to receive, rather than feeling we have to give constantly.You may have heard of the disease to please? The dis-ease to please.

Justmaybe askyourself how well do you receive? Just maybe consider is it time to considerchange.  

Justmaybe this booklet has brought some ease to your pain? Just maybe youcould look through it whenever you feel the need, and… just maybe you feel youcan share it with another.

I truly hope this has helped in some way and I wish you all thevery best as you deal with the journey through grief, shock, stress and traumaof any description. Engaging with your support group, friends, family,neighbours and those who love you. Please take care of yourself.

Suggested Charities

DeathCafé Network www.deathcafe.com

DyingMatters www.dyingmatters.org

FinalFling www.finalfling.com

CruseBereavement care www.cruse.org.ukwww.cruse.org.uk

GriefEncounter www.griefencounter.org.uk

Assistingchildren who have lost a parent or sibling

Sands www.sands.org.uk

Stillbirthand neonatal charity

TheCompassionate Friends (TCF) Supporting bereaved parents and their families.

The GoodGrief Trust is run by the bereaved for the bereaved.

Winston’sWish support children after the death of someone important.

S.O.B.S.Survivors Of Bereavement By Suicide

Thelist is not exhaustive and there may well be a local bereavement support group